These Mean Girls

My mind is a bit disturbed, I’ve accidentally triggered a few of my bad memories today. I though I express myself here since I’m not that open to talk about it to anyone.

Well, for as long as I can remember I never got along very well with other girls. I’m just not as competitive as they are.. which always puts me in the loosing end, especially when it comes to Guys!. I'm sure everyone has encountered "These Mean girls " before.

I’ve always got along better with boys because of common interest I suppose and somehow I always get the guy that other girls want. It’s very taxing actually… especially if I happen to like the person.. that’s the hardest part!.

I can safely say 3 out of 10 of my ex-bf's were actually sincere to me!. I don’t blame my ex-bf’s for going after these beautiful girls.. Men are human too! But being human shouldn’t always be the excuse why people cheat on their partners. I admit I don’t defend or stand up for myself. I am more likely to give up the guy then keep him.. if he desires her more of coz.

I may not have the looks or figure of a supermodel.. I just have an interesting personality that’s all. So basically I wouldn’t compete with looks!. I’m not the type that likes to play all these foolish games. I’m not like them… who go through certain extend to stir things up for fun, to make themselves feel proud.. that with their looks they can make anyone go head over heels for them. I’m not willing to put myself in that position where he will have to choose her or me. I do respect my ex-bf's up to certain extend and I still do. It’s so happen that “ These mean girls” can never leave me alone even if they already got what they were after. Gosh get a life will you!

Look you want him.. take him.. see if I care!!

My personality according to the italian horoscope...

Group E5 (date of birth 25th)

You are found to be a person who loves to love. (True)
You prefer emotional decision more then mantel decisions. (Not True... I try u know!!)
You consider life just to enjoy ( yes thats 1 of it)
You are the one who is perfect to call FLURTIES ( heh... you think so?)
You love to increase the list of your friends and beloved???s. (What is that suppose to mean?)
You have a number of dreams but you never work hard to make your dreams come true which is the biggest drawback in your nature you take everything much lightly. (True)

(conclusion... It's ok to trust the Italians and not the French!)

my personality according to date of birth January 25th to February 3rd

You are always trying your best in everything (True)
Like to help and care for other people ( Yup.. it's my nature..heheh)
But you are not easily satisfied (hmm depends)
You have negative thoughts (crap.. I never think negative thoughts)
You look for romantic love like in a fairytale (bloody hell... no I dont!)

My personality By month... January?

Ambitious and serious (True)
Loves to teach and be taught (True.. after all I am a teacher! duh!)
Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses (heheh no comment)
Likes to criticize (maybe)
Hardworking and productive (Yes! Yes! of coz it's True!)
Smart, neat and organised (pat my own back on this one) *winks*
Sensitive and has deep thoughts (Sad But True- Metallica song)
Knows how to make others happy (blush... True)
Quiet unless excited or tensed (very True)
Rather reserved (eh?) Highly attentive (Yes)
Resistant to illnesses (I hope so!) but prone to colds (True)
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love (True)
Loves children (Yup.. got to have some of my own some day.. ok ok at least 2 if it's not too much to ask for)
Homely person (Not!!!!)
Loyal (Indeed I am)
Needs to improve social abilities (what the fuck????)
Easily jealous (Denial)

YES! My name begins with M!

Does your name begin with: M?

You may appear innocent(True..ehheh),
unassuming and shy(also True);
but we know that appearances can lie. (damm you're good...True)
When it comes to sex, you are no novice but something of a skilled technician. (oOo really? must be true!!)
You can easily go to extremes, though, running the gamut from insatiability to boredom with the whole idea of love. (WHAT?? .. err I guess so.. I'm so confused!)
You can be highly critical of your mate, seeking perfection in both of you. (no comment)
It is not easy to find someone who can meet your standards. (True... there was someone... but he dissapeared... I didn't kill him.. seriously... it wasn't me!!)
You have difficulty expressing emotions and drawing close to lovers. (True.. spot on!)
You are often selfish (SOOOO NOT TRUE)
You always think you are right no matter what. (in Denial)
You never give in. (not true!!...I give in all the time!!!)
Winning is your prime desire- at any cost. (lottery or Jackpot.. Yes!)
You often forget friends and family (Bullshit! I never forget!... I havent forgotten a single soul)
and you live for the moment. (True)

Question!

What do a women want? and What do men want? That was one of the topic that was discuss in IRC today I was daring enough to say “ A women want a men who can provide security, empty promises, false hope, love and romance” not something that people can swallow but that’s basically true..

We’ve all heard the joke What men want? “Men want sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex and sex!” hahah which most of them will admit it’s true…hahah. God created man and women to be equals! Yea rite… in my opinion god created us equally insecure! Hehehe.. You can’t live with them and you cant live with out them.

In reality people don’t keep promises… promises are meant to be broken and it’s made to give a person a sense of security. It’s easier to hurt the ones you love.. because they are more forgiving no matter what… they still love you!. But why make promises in the first place if we know we cant keep?

Why do we want false hope? Well, it’s simply an excuse to prolong a relationship with someone that we actually like. We hope because we fear. We fears if the feelings is not mutual so we hope and believe it is mutual… in other case we are in deniel!. Some people are genuine but most people are not. We continue to hope for no particular reason and eventually it will drive us crazy in the end. But that’s ok because sometimes it turns out exactly what we hope for :o)

Love and romance? Who doesn’t want that in their lives? It’s nice to love and be loved, it’s even a greater feeling to be in love with some one who is in love with you. Everybody wants to hear those 3 words, even if it is said in vain. There is no real definition for “Love” we all have our own perception of it. We’ll know when we actually find our match. We’ll know after 50 years of marriage and we are still holding hands when we go out and still enjoy our company together… we’ll know that it’s true love! But some of us... I mean me... well I'm afraid to love someone... I cant stand the thought of someone leaving me... it's ok if I leave them la.. but not if they leave me....

As a woman.. what do I want? Well… I want sincerity because I trust people easily, I’m straight forward and I’m honest. I think if I’m going to build a foundation in a relationship I would want it to be based on Sincerity, trust and understanding! Fair enough right?

What do you want?

Whats going on?

Me?
Hmm it’s been a while since I posted anything here.. well nothing much to say really, I haven’t been going out lately.. been home and no clubbing for 2 weeks now. I’m quiting something I hardly even started.. drinking! Well no more beer for me… I’ll stick to red wine still, but I’ll keep my intake moderately. It’s not like I’m not going clubbing anymore just that I’m taking a break for a while. Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time online chatting and downloading South Park clips.. heheh. I’m getting hooked on it and I’m done downloading the second season already… 9 more seasons to go, all I need now is to download the real media player and I can watch the rest of the series and find out who is Cartman father! Poor Hector have to put up with me… so sweet of him.

Jamie?
My sister’s eldest daughter got hit by a car yesterday, she didn’t suffer any serious injuries thank her god!!. Her right leg is bruised and swollen, luckily her father was there when it all happen… the guy paid for her medical expenses and X-ray... I called her as soon as I got the message from my sister. Jamie seems to be ok, she said the guy who hit her drove a Mercedes and he was an old man who owns a Chinese medicine shop, if she still has pains… he said he will pay for her treatment/ medical bills….well at least he is responsible…

Family?
My sister and the rest of her family is coming to visit end of the month.. I can’t wait to see them and the new baby! It’s going to be a busy week ahead of me, I have to take them out shopping for their Christmas clothes and my shopping list is way too long.. do I have to buy all these people gifts?? Oh well… they better buy me something too.. or else I’ll cut them off from my list next year.. ehheh just kidding!

School?
Hmm let’s see what’s on the agenda… This Friday and Saturday is the PTA meeting, its that time again where I get to talk to the parents about how their kid! After that 2 weeks to go before school ends. On Tuesday I have an appointment.. one of my student invited me and all the teachers to their place for small tea party… hehe. They are going back to America and wanted to show their appreciation.. sweet!.. Then there is the Christmas party for the children on the last day of school and dinner sponsored by my boss at a 5 star hotel… which hotel?? I don’t know yet! I start my leave on the 9th of December 2006 until the 9th of January 2007.. hehe isnt that great.. yes you guys should be envious of me..heheh!


well thats the latest updates... adios!

Who is Rich & Who is Poor?

This is one of the best I have read in a long time.

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked. "Oh yeah," said the son. "So, tell me, what you learned from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are." Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have!

Me and My bro... Guess who started drinking again? Vadai or Marie?

Aww what a nice picture of me and Vadai (a.k.a. Annai meaning big brother) He drinks beer and me with my favorite drink.. Coke! TRUE or FALSE?

Did I drink Beer and Vadai drink coke? hahah yea rite!! TRUE or FALSE?

Change yourself before you change others!

Sometimes we may have friends who want us to be friends with their friends. Not everyone gets along with each other, most of the time we are still friendly with our friend’s friends… because of our friend! *am I making any sense at all?*

I know I have some friends that my other friends might not like, but then I know I can’t please everyone and I can’t exclude anyone just to please someone. I have no intentions to disrespect my friends or make them feel uncomfortable in any way. I don’t expect them to be on friendly basis even though they hate each others guts. What I expect is they respect me and put their differences a side and just get along for my sake… yea I know it’s too much to ask but I would do the same for them! Seriously I would.

Anyway, I’ve always had respect for the people I get to know and get close with. I valued their friendship and sincerity. I don’t believe that once the relationship is over we can’t be friends anymore. Take my past relationships for example, I know the relationship can never be like what it use to be but it doesn’t mean that we can’t still be friends. I haven’t lost contact with any of my ex-boyfriends. They do call once in a while and we are always on good terms.

Most people might consider that a weak point, but I just don’t see it that way. I’ve always looked at the good side of people and I admit I keep on ignoring the bad part of them and tend to not say anything about it, which leaves me being used and abused in the end. Yes!.. it’s not a good thing for me but everyone deserves a 2nd and 3rd and 4th chance .. don’t they? After all they are only human! Isn’t it the right thing to do to forgive your friends and give them another chance to change?. Chances are given only for them to realize their mistakes in order to correct themselves and set things right…. Right? No one might agree with me on that but I strongly feel that way.

Why am I writing this blog? Well because I just realized that I’m not that perfect. If I ever fuck up in my future relationships again!!!! I would appreciate if I was given a second chance… not to get back into the whole relationship thingy… but a chance to correct myself. And as for my friends, I hope they are as forgiving as I would be to them. I know I can be very direct but I’m honest and I mean well… that’s me! I can let things go pretty easily, I won’t prolong any dispute because I just don’t want to build up the hate for someone I actually care about.

So, if I so happen to hang out with anyone that YOU hates? Respect me as your friend and not take things to seriously, understand the reason why I am still friendly with them is because he/she is still my friend.

At The Crossroad

Last week was a crazy week… I had gone thru a fair bit of pain, depression and shock even. But I’m glad that I manage to put that aside and just move on with my life. I really appreciate the people that supported me and showed their concern towards me. Ozy my best friend always there when I need her, Amoi who is like a big sister to me.. always looking out for me, Vadai always generous with his brotherly love, Cleo who is always lending an ear and listening to my sad life story.. poor girl and chat buddy…heheh..

Last Saturday night was a relieve for me, I just let loose and was free to do what ever I wanted to. I had great company with me and met new friends and I hope to meet more in the near future. Last night (Monday) I met up with Amoi, Mark, Andreus, Bill and Annie at The Crossroads. I had a good time, the music was great. Annie kept Bill company, while I sat and drank wine with Amoi, Mark and Andreus. Off and on I moved from 1 spot to another because Annie and Bill was seated near the band while the rest was seated at the bar.

Amoi and I decided to stay there and not divert to BC, one reason is because I was tired and the other reason because it was raining. Bill kept on expressing how happy he was to have met us at BC on Saturday and hope to keep in touch with us and hopefully meet up with the gang again on his next trip to KL in January 2007.

I bumped into one of my students parents at the Hotel Lounge, I’ve known them for years while teaching at the Kindergarten. I went up to them to say hello, they were nice enough to offer me to join them and have a few drinks but I didnt want to disturb them and their guest. I didn’t expect to see them there but they were there and it was nice to see the happy couple.

Amoi, Annie and I didn’t stay on very long, we left around 12.30am and went to have a bite to eat at the regular mamak stall. Hehe we go wet in the rain but still made time to eat and drink something before heading home… I was abit high from the wine but was still ok to drive and i got home safely.. as usual!

Yes it's another Saturday Nite Out blog!

Sleep… I really need some sleep. Was out with Ozy on Friday night, went for some drinks at the local mamak shop. Did some catching up on what’s going on in our life. We lost track of time until her mother called to remind us that it was almost 2am….heheh time files when u have so much to talk about.

Anyway I stayed up all night surfing the net, chatting with friends and clearing my email. Had about a 3 hour sleep and that was practically it. I got dressed and all and went out to buy a last minute wedding gift, and I manage to get this beautiful wedding hard cover album, which would be perfect for keeping all their wedding pictures. I attended Watie’s wedding in the afternoon and grabbed Jason to come along with me, he was invited too of coz and all the other RSM ex-staff. But we were the only ones who came. This was my third time attending a malay wedding reception. I must say it was organized very well, she was a beautiful bride, Watie taught me how do all that ceremonial stuff.. you know the rose water sprinkling and the rice grain thingy … emm I don’t know what it’s called tho but it was a good experience and I had a bunga telur too!

By the time I got home I realized it was time for me to get ready to go out to Beach club with Annie. She wanted to go so badly because she was stressed at home.. so ok la I was up for it. Amoi was in Kuantan so she didn’t join us. Commie smsed me and said he will be joining me at BC with his friend… so I thought ok la! The more the merrier. I ordered a bottle of red wine and shared it with Annie. Commie came soon after we arrived at BC, met his friend Wai Meng from London and a surprise guest Baby Angle. Apparently Commie told Wai Meng that my uncle owns beach club…hahah

We had our food and drinks and was entertained by the big group of elderly men from India dancing on the dance floor ..heheh. Wai Meng turned out to be a super cool guy, really had fun and enjoyed his company, he was the only guy casing all the lovely wimmin away…hahah. DJ Aaron came over to say “Hi” as usual and from now on I can officially get 20% off any purchase of food and beverages thanks to DJ Aaron of coz…heheh. Now we can spend more! Commie was even more happier then me when he heard about the 20%. Aaron kept asking me to get the VIP sitting area but I still prefer the usual place in front of the stage.

I promised Annie that I would get her hooked up with some one.. hahah. I got 2 British guys to join the group. They were very friendly and one of them actually likes Annie. So that was a done deal.. in fact I’ve seen William a.k.a Bill many times at The Crossroads, Concorde Hotel. He is a regular visitor… he is always in KL. So I hope he and Annie get to know each other better.

I got acquainted with Dave (Bill’s Friend) the cute one…haha. He was very nice and extremely funny. Dave studies Kuntao a form of martial arts. It’s got something to do with free healing, physical, mental and spiritual exercise. Dave doesn’t travel much, he manage his own business and only been to KL twice in 4 years. I had my first full body massage in BC yesterday.. haha. I never felt so relaxed and Dave showed me a method on dealing with my migraines. I’ve been suffering from migraines ever since I was 12 years old. It really works! This is something that really benefits me. Magic Hands! We exchange email addresses and hope to keep in touch… that’s fine by me.... but I'm not that interested... I fancy taller guys!! *giggles*

Commie, Wai Meng and Baby Angle, enjoyed themselves. I had a great time, drank most of the red wine. I didn’t dance on the podium so safe to say Vadai didn’t miss anything but I did dance on the sofa platform! It only made me look 6 feet tall and I had to take my shoes off coz it was killing me. We all stayed on at BC right up to 3am until the staff had to chase us out. We went to our regular mamak shop for chats and coffee. The place was too crowded so we didn’t have anything to eat. Everyone got to know each other better over a nice hot drink. We then went our own ways and exchange hugs…heheh. I had 3 hugs from Dave.. hmm it’s either he likes hugging me or likes giving me hugs! Hmmm…

cute!

im sober but sick..

I’m sick..down with headache, fever and been vomiting half the day, looks like I manage to poison myself with alcohol yesterday and now I’m suffering from the after effects of it… finishing a whole bottle of vodka isn’t something I’m proud of doing. I’ve gone against my own principles of becoming the person I hate to be. I use to be a heavy drinker and the reason I stopped is because … I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I felt like I was drowning myself in my own sorrows. Same reason why I started drinking.. I was trying to drown myself again. I regret now.. and I will not do this again. Alcohol is not the solution to my problems, it made it worst actually.

I let my emotions go off balance and I allowed myself to feel depress and frustrated. The actual reason was not hatred but it was actually Fear. In this dramatic event that’s been going on in my life... I feared the truth will cost me my life. I fear it will have a bad effect on me. I was worried because I was not prepared to deal with it.

Facing reality is like being slapped in the face. Sometimes it’s necessary to get slapped so that we can wake up and stop dreaming. I don’t know the out come of it all, but I’m willing to accept the fact and not feel sad about it. If there is another chance to give… then that chance will be given. If the hope is lost then it’s considered lost for good.

I know I'm not the only one who has gone through tough times... everyone has been there before. Seriously, I don’t know what lies ahead of me, part of me is afraid to face the truth. I have no choice but to go on with what ever life I have... I just fear I have to go thru it alone.
Why can't I express my self?? why does my past hurt me so much?? .... argh!!!

Apologies

To those who read my blog earlier... there are some major adjustment made... I regret writing the blog earlier, I was not myself and I had too much to drink.

I didnt realise that I wrote the blog out of anger. I edit a few lines tho... there were some things mentioned that I didnt mean to say. Anyway its deleted already so the rest stays the same.

Sorry!

I just wish Marie would die

“If shit had feelings I would know how shit feels … coz I feel like shit and just like shit … I was flushed away” quote Me myself and I a.k.a shithead!

Today is the most depressing day of my life... well… actually it started yesterday but I’m still felling the burn. My whole world just came crashing down and hit me right in the face. I wonder why I am still here and why am I not dead yet?.... is Marie dying? NO!.

My personal relationship has come to a point where trust and honesty never meant a thing... I finally realised that. unfortunately on my end it meant everything. I’ve been up all night crying and drinking vodka. I don’t normally drink when I’m depress actually I stop drinking along time ago when I met someone. I’m so tired but I’m restless. I’m so sad, my heart is aching and I’m suffering with a really bad hang over.

I called in sick from work today. I’m almost out of vodka, looks like there wont be any whisky left for Xmas. I need to drink more and do something stupid. That’s what stupid people do… they do stupid things. You care for someone and you become stupid… that’s what happen to stupid people like me… people keep telling me that “You can never trust a man” now when I think back … that’s one hell of an advise. Yes I know I can’t blame the whole apple tree for 1 bad apple… unfortunately I keep getting the same grade of apples. I have no choice but to blame the tree now.

My eyes are so sore, it’s so red, I’m so sad, I’ve got a fucking headache, I don’t want to go to work, I just don’t want to exist. I just want to cry… and die… and cry some more until I go blind. I hate my life, I hate it so much. I hate to drink and get so emotional but this is how I feel

I fucked up my life… yes my life is pretty fucked. I don’t want to be Marie anymore. I have no respect for myself. I’m thinking of ways to kill “Marie” just to make myself feel better. I want to be someone else... I just dont want to be Marie.

Maybe if I wasn’t so truthful, honest, loyal or faithful in my personal relationships. I guess I could still live with myself. I figure guys wont appreciate girls like me. Somehow if I continue to be myself I’m going to get hurt time and time again. So the conclusion is being a bitch isn’t so bad at all… I'm angry at myself... and because I'm angry at myself I cant control my own emotions. I want this feeling to stop. So I'm letting it go