In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death- Marilyn Manson

We have no future
heaven wasn't made for me
we burn ourselves to hell
as fast as it can be
and I wish that I could be a king
then I'd know that I am not alone

Maggots put on shirts
Sell each others shit
sometimes I feel so worthless
sometimes I feel discarded
I wish that I was good enough
then I'd know that I am not alone

Death is policeman
Death is the priest
Death is the stereo
Death is a TV
Death is the Tarot
Death is an angel and
Death is our God
killing us all

she puts the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes

she put the seeds in me
plant this dying tree
she's a burning string
and I'm just the ashes


I personally like this song... I think it is beautifully written and I know not many people will agree with me on this, it's because not many people I know will relate themselves to any Marilyn Manson song.

I relate this song to my personal experiences when it comes to relationships... for some reason before my relationship starts I always see the end of it. The reason is I can never see myself good enough for anyone. I have yet to find someone who thinks I am good enough for them. At times I hate looking at myself, I know for a fact that I am weak and I allow people to mentally hurt me with their mind games. I use to strongly believe that each and everyone of us is born in pairs... we all have a soul mate. Sometimes people find their soul mate at the other end of the world and some people meet theirs by chance right in front of their eyes.. but lately I believe not all of us are made in pairs.

Anyway, I would like to translate this song... this is my interpretation of coz maybe it might make some sense after I interpret it... so here goes.

He (Marilyn Manson) sees no future with the girl that he is in love with, he feels like he was not made for her, she is heaven to him.. he is miserable and only she can give him a piece of what heaven is like. He wish to be someone important maybe then he would be worthy enough for her. He feels very negative about himself and worthless.

Everything seems dead to him and he does not believe in the law, religion, media, superstition, myth and God... his world has already come to an end and he wants to end it

She is the only one that can change the way he feels... she can bring him back to life and she is the only one who can change the way he feels about himself

My heart is nothing but a pebble....

My heart is like a pebble and it's worthless just like a pebble.
I gave you my pebble because I thought it was special.
I gave you my pebble because I wanted only you to have it..
I once loved that pebble because it meant something to me..
but I gave you my pebble because I trust you would keep.

My gift is my pebble.. love it and care for it...
but my pebble means nothing compared to your sparkling Ruby.
You can throw my pebble, hide it, forget about it or even loose it..
do not worry... a pebble will always be just a pebble..

I wish to find my pebble again one day.. the same old pebble I once loved.
All I want is my pebble back.. because I realize now that you never really wanted it.
How could anyone appreciate a pebble like mine.
I still wonder where could my pebbel be??
in the drain?, bushes? or is it over the hills??
All I want is my pebble back...
Only I can see something beautiful in my pebble.

The Cougar in Mythology.

The grace and power of the cougar have been widely admired in the cultures of the indigenous peoples of the Americas. The Inca city of Cusco is reported to have been designed in the shape of a cougar, and the animal also gave its name to both Inca regions and people. The Moche people represented the puma often in their ceramics. The sky and thunder god of the Inca, Viracocha, has been associated with the animal.

In North America, mythological descriptions of the cougar have appeared in the stories of the Hocąk language ("Ho-Chunk" or "Winnebago") of Wisconsin and Illinois and the Cheyenne, amongst others. To the Apache and Walapai of Arizona, the wail of the Cougar was a harbinger of death


Yup that sounds interesting alright!!
Camel and I met up for a drink last night at Old Town Coffee in Rampai Business Park. We talked about stuff that was going on in our lives and we were quite sick by how our lives are turning out to be... I mean we are sick of the same old things, too scared to do anything anymore and blaming it all on our age is really no excuse..

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEN TO US??? that's the big question... I remember myself being very out going and head strong... wild and uncontrolable. I performed on stage and danced on night club podiums for god sakes!! and here I am now so conservative??? wtf???? this is lame!! I have so much to live for and what am I doing about it??? I am wasting my time and watching myself rot! I have forgotten how to live...

Well it's time we all stop feeling pity for ourselves... It's time to start living again. Camel and I have started a small group of only 4 members.. she wanted to name the group "The CoolGurlz" I was like... NO WAY!!! it sounds like a chinese girl band.. I rather name it "The Cougars" and it sounds better too!! We both agreed on it and decided that we go ahead with the idea as soon as possible.

It's not like we are going to start painting the town red or anything like that... but organise some social gatherings or even trips.... THEN we paint the town red!!! heheh... It's just going to be Me, Camel,Azie and Lynette. We are not recruiting anyone else at the moment.. It's an experiment group and The Cougars does not mean wimmin in their 30's looking for younger men ok!! infact we are going to leave the men out of this... the cougar is a beautiful animal...

Sunday Morning..

I had one of those weird dreams where everything and everyone in that dream plays a significant role in the real world. Usually when I dream of something like this, it means something. I understand what the dream meant and it makes a lot of sense in which direction I have to move into to make these changes in my life and still stay true to myself.

I was up late chatting with an old friend and I only had a few hours of sleep. woke up around 6.30am and just stayed in bed with my eyes open wide until 10am... I mean I don't have any appointments today... it's been re-shedule to next Sunday. I'm just going to stay at home and relax I suppose unless something comes up.

My brother and family stayed at my mothers house last night respraying my brother in laws car.. so I had the whole apartment to myself... free to walk around in my panties and care free.. eheh.

It's really great to finally live on my own...I like the privacy!

I have to let it go!

A lot of us tend to hold on to the past... it's not a bad thing really. It's a constant reminder of who we once were and how we see ourselves now and what we want to be in the future... but somethings we just have to let go and accept the fact that we shouldn't hope so much especially for the things we can never have.

I ask myself what can I keep? and what can I let go?.
Well... I can keep my memories! I have so many good memories and bad ones. I don't think I can forget even if I tried and I've said that many times before. What I need to let go is my feelings associated with those memories...

I am in the process of turning my life around, and that also means I am ready to change again. I will change for the better of coz and making changes does require alot of work, I know that because all I do is change everytime something drastic happens in my life.. It's actually very depressing... I often wish I was somebody else or didn't exist at all. Truth is... I honestly don't know who I am anymore.

I need to focus and my mind needs to be clear. My feelings and emotions is the only thing that is holding me back. So what can I do? knowing me .. I will do absolutely nothing.. but I can't keep doing that.. my mind is clouded right now because of the feelings I have... I have to let it go!

Happy Chinese New Year! 2011

This year I'm celebrating CNY with my family here in KL. Had dinner at my mother's place and waited for my brother and his 2 children to come from Johor. My eldest brother and his wife couldn't make it this time because his wife is expecting their first child and the doctor advised her not to travel because she is in a delicate condition.

I've invited Clifton and his 2 children to stay at my place, they will be here until Sunday. My mom and Jessica decided to stay over night too. Well at least I wont be alone tonight. It's their first time visiting me in my apartment since I moved out. I offered my bed to the girls and my mom to sleep on... I layed out a mattress in the living room for my brother and his son.. I don't have any more mattresses so I just put a blanket on the floor for me to sleep on, It's nice and cool down here. They like the apartment, even though it's quite empty.

Clifton has work tomorrow... so that means I have to look after the children while he is away.. the little one Damien (5 years old) is not use to staying with anyone else other then his mother who did not come to KL for what reason I don't know. So I hope he will be ok when he wakes up in the morning. The children already informed me what they wanted for breakfast.. so I can prepare it before they wake up... looks like it's 2 half boiled eggs and milo for Sabrina, french toast and milo for Jessica and Damien, Clifton wants a cup of strong coffee only, My mom and I will be having eggs and sausages. Going to be a busy morning for me... and I am still awake at this hour!!

The children will spend the rest of the day with my mom in her house... that will give me some time to clean up and relax before they return at night again. Anyway I hope they enjoy their stay here and have a memorable CNY this year.

Tell the truth... be honest!

The reason why I even started to blog again is because I want to feel comfortable expressing myself... I seem to have lost that freedom to be expressive for the past year or so. I have come to the conclusion that if I can't be honest to myself then no one should even trust me. I have always been truthful in everything I say and do. The truth is not that easy to handle sometimes but it is necessary, I strongly feel that way.

So, If anyone have any questions to ask... I will answer them truthfully no matter how personal it may be. Bring up about the past or present...but be prepared for it, you might not expect it!