im sober but sick..

I’m sick..down with headache, fever and been vomiting half the day, looks like I manage to poison myself with alcohol yesterday and now I’m suffering from the after effects of it… finishing a whole bottle of vodka isn’t something I’m proud of doing. I’ve gone against my own principles of becoming the person I hate to be. I use to be a heavy drinker and the reason I stopped is because … I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I felt like I was drowning myself in my own sorrows. Same reason why I started drinking.. I was trying to drown myself again. I regret now.. and I will not do this again. Alcohol is not the solution to my problems, it made it worst actually.

I let my emotions go off balance and I allowed myself to feel depress and frustrated. The actual reason was not hatred but it was actually Fear. In this dramatic event that’s been going on in my life... I feared the truth will cost me my life. I fear it will have a bad effect on me. I was worried because I was not prepared to deal with it.

Facing reality is like being slapped in the face. Sometimes it’s necessary to get slapped so that we can wake up and stop dreaming. I don’t know the out come of it all, but I’m willing to accept the fact and not feel sad about it. If there is another chance to give… then that chance will be given. If the hope is lost then it’s considered lost for good.

I know I'm not the only one who has gone through tough times... everyone has been there before. Seriously, I don’t know what lies ahead of me, part of me is afraid to face the truth. I have no choice but to go on with what ever life I have... I just fear I have to go thru it alone.
Why can't I express my self?? why does my past hurt me so much?? .... argh!!!