The real me?... heh..

I’ve always believed in my principals and virtues. Sadly I’ve created a life that only I can understand and blind to others. I’ve disappointed myself in every way and I feel like a total failure sometimes. I’ve lost all interest to continue this life.. part of me has already given up on almost everything I strongly believe in. I don’t think I can live up to it anymore… I don’t wish for my life to end or anything like that… I just want something in my life to change and worth living for…

The Emotional part of me says
“Just Leave!!!”
Lately I feel like letting everything go and running far away and leaving everything behind…. If only I’m brave, heartless and stupid enough to do that.

My conscious says
“ It’s going to be ok!”, “Be strong”, “life goes on”.
It would be irresponsible of me to leave my work, commitment, family. Don’t disappoint your family, friends and love ones. Don’t give up hope, Keep your promises, don’t neglect your responsibilities, do the right thing, don’t throw your life away, don’t take people for granted and stay away from the light… hmm.. I’m sure my conscious will say that to me if I ever have a near death experience.

The Angry part of me says…
Wants to punch the wall and let out all my anger, cut off my hair, I feel like I just need to blame and hate someone… I need to let out the rage in me and break something with my bare hands…. but then I’m scared of pain so that’s probably the last thing I would do then to inflict pain onto myself.

The disappointed part me…
Just can’t understand and don’t know what to expect of tomorrow. Too many questions in my mind, not ready to accept the answers and a bit afraid of changes. I want things to be ok… I need assurance… that’s something I never had before but would be nice to have. Would like my mind read once in a while too …

The sensitive part of me….
Just wants to cry and keep on crying non stop till my eyes pop out or something.. I don’t know.
I’ve been crying… not continuously but at times when I’m alone. Tears can tell their own story… you don’t need words to explain.. it’s understood. Sometimes it’s necessary to just pour your heart out… I want to but I have no shoulder to cry on. I guess people don’t like getting their shoulders wet now days…heh!

What do I have to say for all this?
I don’t want to be sad anymore, I don’t want to cry because I’m sad.. but would like to cry because I’m happy, I want to be cured from this pain I feel in my heart, I want to love and be loved…
I want my WORLD back.