Mushy feelings again...

Wow…it’s quite some time since I updated my blog… it’s funny how our mood can affect us sometimes. When I started blogging I thought that I could write anything and everything that’s on my mind. It’s here that I discovered how to really express my feelings… I don’t feel comfortable telling people about it but I have open up to a few people that gained my trust…. I found it easier to write about my feelings rather then tell anyone what I’m feeling, but lately it just doesn’t seem that simple.

My personal feelings are a bit hard for me to be open about. Sometimes I feel like my life is a big secret and it’s filled with choices and sacrifices. I do feel like I’m not being honest to myself because I don’t express my self well enough. It may seem like I do when I write about it but actually it’s very indirect. I don’t know really… I try too hard I guess.

I have tried to confess my feelings and be open about it many times before… somehow it always seems like no one acknowledged it and I’m often ignored. Sometimes I feel like why even bother making an effort to express my feelings when no one takes me seriously or even care for what I have to say anyway. It’s just a waste of time.

The little things matters a lot to me. I don’t take anything for granted. I know that life is not a fairy tale and it’s very rare that anyone lives happily ever after in the end… everyone is so caught up in their daily lives they forget how to really live. I’m one of those people… I seem to have forgotten myself.

I celebrated my 28th birthday last week home alone feeling depressed and emotional and I’ve been like that the whole week. I manage to hide all that while my brother was in KL. Azie and Basil took me out for dinner on Friday for a birthday treat… it’s very sweet of them. Dinner was lovely and they really cheered me up.

My mind is restless but my body is tired. As much as I hate this feeling of being neglected I think I brought this onto myself and there is really no one to blame. I’ve never had things my way before… I don’t really know what it would be like if I did… Azie gave me a long lecture about why I give in to others and allow myself to get hurt all the time. She stressed it out so much that I shouldn’t let anyone take me for granted and why I allow them to do so. “Makan Hati” is the word she used… she said she couldn’t take it anymore seeing me like this time and time again and she doesn’t understand why I keep blaming myself and why I’m not being honest to myself. From the tone of her voice I know she means well and I am grateful she pointed it out to me.

I don’t have the courage to say what I want to because I’m still scared that my honesty would be taken the wrong way. Azie is right about me “Makan Hati” I honestly don’t know how to change that.