The first cut is the deepest...

After work I went to the book store in Ampang Point today to buy some books for my nephew. As I was browsing around, I was quite sure I saw *my first boyfriend* Daryl’s cousin there. I went over and said “Hi” to him, he was surprised I still recognized him. We went for a drink and talked about stuff. Shaun is married now with 2 children Justin and Tinamaria. Our conversations lead us back to the good old days. It brought back a lot of memories especially about Daryl. He told me that the last time he saw Daryl’s parents was at his wedding dinner 6 years ago, and his sister is now studying in Perth. I had to cut our conversation short because I was actually rushing for time, but I promise to meet up with him and his family before they go back to Australia next week. After meeting Shaun I started thinking about how I met Daryl, it was exactly 2 years after my father past away, I already left school and was working at Royal Selangor. Daryl is nice guy, tall and handsome... He manage to fill that emptiness in my heart. He gave so much of his time and attention that I felt special. Daryl reminded me so much of someone close to me during my schooling days (My crush). I think it was because of the resemblance that I actually was interested in him. Daryl shared his dreams with me. He was so talented, I still remember the first performance we had together. The experience was “WOW” so amazing. I still remember how he looked like, a striking resemblance of Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, I can never forget that face. He was living that Rock N Roll life . I’ve always had this calm and peaceful feeling when I was with him, but at the same time my heart was troubled, I was confused with my feelings.. I knew how he felt about me and I knew about his dilemma about his parents wanting him to give up music and further his studies over seas. He was so confident that he could convince them to let him pursue his career in music. I knew, that sooner or later he will have to give in to them... He was good to me, at that point in my life I was so fragile.. I had someone in my heart that I just couldnt forget and I missed him. Daryl gave a lot of his time to me.. months had past and he proposed to me and promised me a future together.. I didnt give him any response. I wasnt ready to settle down. It was a very confusing time for me. How can I marry Daryl when I've already given my heart to someone else?.. Besides his parents didn’t accept me. They told him I was bad for him. His anger consumed him and Daryl changed for the worst. He became so frustrated with his parents.. He was depressed and it turned him into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. Daryl took his anger out on me, at one point I feared him and felt so helpless.. I knew I couldnt stay in this relationship anymore. His drugs and drinking habits were out of control.. he was physically and mentally hurting me. My worst fears had come true, I lost him.. Time flies so fast and it’s been 9 years since Daryl past away. I never had the chance to say goodbye or settle our difference. I still have the ring he gave me on my 19th birthday, just to remind me of him. I blamed myself because I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.. I tried to help him with his addiction and depression but he pushed me away like he did with everyone else too. I do not like the idea of people I care about leaving me or dying... I get so angry, I wish I could express myself but I just don't know how... I found all kinds of ways from writing songs to art... I admit I have lost all hopes to start a new serious relationship with anyone, not anytime soon. Although I heard it a million times people say “You should start dating again and get married” or “You should settle down and raise a family of your own” or “get married with a rich man so you can live an easy life”.... it's not that simple.. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I love and respect. Not someone with loads of cash. whatever lah!!!