I've started blogging again.

A lot has happen in the past year, that has forced me to make some changes in my life. I have left my comfort zone and I am on my own now. I live in a small apartment about 650 to 700 square feet with 2 rooms, a bathroom, kitchen space and a living room. This tiny cosy place is now my humble home..

I don't really open up to people unless I know them well enough to trust them and I have been bottling up a lot of emotions because I have difficulties trying to express myself. Lucky for me I know a few people that I really trust and have open up to. It feels so much better to pour it all out sometimes and seek advise.

I've been married for 3 years now... but my marriage ended before it could even begin. There are ups and downs in every relationship and there is always a way to over come it.. but in my case it was all for the wrong reasons. I rushed into this marriage and it is my own mistake.. I can't blame anyone because I made that decision. The thought of settling down, starting a family and loving one man for the rest of my life probably seemed like a great idea at that time, even when I knew that I wasn't ready for all that. We had nothing in common at all. I did sincerely care and loved him... I was foolish enough to believe that he felt the same way about me too. I found out the truth the most painful way... through private messages and emails. I was referred to as "The Thing"... reading every word was like being stabbed with a knife.. over and over again. I've never been stabbed before but I can imagine it is a painful experience. I soon came to accept my fate and forgave him, what ever that was left of me was already dead anyway. I confronted my husband and he admitted everything. We addressed every issue and came to an agreement... I gave him a second chance! but things were never the same. I did not see him as a husband but more as a friend. I could not love him anymore but I did care because he was my friend! I cared so much that I made compromises and I did the best to my ability to fulfill his needs... meaning cooking, cleaning, laundry, running arrons and providing a comfortable lifestyle. I felt responsible for him and it was wrong of me to let everyone believe that I was happy being married. I have deceived my own family it is something I am not proud of. I will not let it happen again.

I am separated now and will be going through a divorce latest by next year. Why next year?? as a friend I will keep to my promise and help him renew his visa/social pass to secure his stay here in Malaysia for another year, enough time to try and get his business going or what ever. Yes I know I'm an idiot... Unless he gets a job and has his own working permit then he doesn't need me anymore. Actually I'm hoping that my marriage cert could get an nullity .. I am currently seeking legal advise on this matter.

I will write more blogs.. simply because I am comfortable expressing myself here and not many people know I have a blog.. plus it's just boring old me.. nobody cares!